other unspoken thoughts

I’ve been meaning to write this for a while but I’ve been putting it off because it’s often hard to put feelings into words. For me at least. But the timing is perfect.

On Tuesday 15 February 2011 we all went to my aunt’s place to commemorate the 1 year passing of her husband, my uncle. Almost all of my extended family was there and we prayed and remembered the good man that he was.

He was a soft spoken man, polite, never raising his voice. Whenever he talked to me, he gave me his full intention. You know how people ask you how you are doing, as if asking for the time of day. In passing.Basa basi. He never made me feel that way. When I was studying in uni, every time we met he’d ask me how I was doing and what I was studying. He’d follow up with asking questions and intently listening to my answers. He made me feel appreciated, that I was studying for something. He appreciated that I learned something and I could also give in return. This might seem ordinary and mediocre, but the questions I got from my extended family were usually:

- When are you going to graduate?

- Are you seeing anybody?

- When are you going to get married?

With which I usually respond to with a smile.

Pakde never made me feel that the only goal I had in life was to get married. I was always looking forward to family events just to meet him, and something was missing when he was absent.

Pakde was related to me by marriage. His wife, is my dad’s older sister. Even so, that didn’t make the connection I felt any different from my other blood relatives. In fact I was closer to him than any other aunts and uncles I have. He always reminded me how important family is and that we have an obligation to help others less fortunate than us. I remember him telling me he had a project that he wanted me to help out with. A project for the yayasan my family made. He never got the chance to tell me what it was. I still owe him.

I remember talking to my cousins about Pakde. And we all realized that he made every single person he met feel special. I always felt special, that he’d take the time in family gatherings just to ask me how I was doing. Turns out he did this with everyone. Taking time to ask each person how they were. In the 5 – 10 minutes he talked to you, he’d make you feel significant.

I never got the chance to tell him how much he meant to me. The least that I could do is tell his family.

Bude, Mbak Wiet, Mbak Dewi, Mas Didiet… 

Your husband, father, my Pakde, was the kindest most sincere person I knew. I am so grateful to have known such a person in my life. He meant a lot to me and to many others. I always had this wish that if I got married someday, my husband would have the qualities of this man.

A life is not important except in the impact it has on other lives (Jackie Robinson)

Pakde Kus, you are a very important person to me. Rest in peace.